Am I OK?

I haven’t posted anything for so long because I am paralyzed by life.

December was a very big month in regard’s to my daughter’s condition. We met with a nutritionist and a physiotherapist. A lot of good came from the physiotherapist but I unfortunately can’t say the same for the nutritionist. To be honest, it was an awful experience but then again it had some positive or constructive aspect to it. I vow to post about it very soon.

On December 30th, I had a surprise miscarriage. It was very odd because I had no clue I was pregnant – and boy, was I ever pregnant. Something like 18.5 weeks. I was sure I was starting my menopause as I had been skipping my period since last July. In August I took a pregnancy test just to be sure and it was negative. I had a full period on August 21st and then spotted for three days around October 27th. I did not feel the symptoms. None of them. When the bleeding started it was awful – and again, I was sure I couldn’t be pregnant. I was obviously in denial. When I showed up at the ER triage, the nurse sent me to the waiting room with a “diaper” until they had room for me in the back. I sat in a wheelchair, in front of everyone, my head down, embarrassed and scared that the bleeding would seep through my clothes.The cramps (contractions) were very powerful and I felt the need to push. Against my daughter’s advice, I went back to the bathroom and again passed a ton of solid material mixed with blood and what not (I will spare you the details). I felt the fetus pass. It was the size of an empty roll of toilet paper – it was attached to its cord which was attached to a piece of placenta. It was soft yet solid. Still, I was in denial and when the nurse came to give me another diaper, I flushed the toilet. I don’t know why I did that. The rest of it included being told I was very pregnant, loosing a tremendous amount of blood, being hospitalized because of it, and ending up in the OR for the rest of it to be removed the following day because I was still hemorrhaging. Two weeks before the holidays, I had left my long-term boyfriend (a relationship going nowhere). In the end, I ended up feeling guilty and sad. It’s a very difficult thing to share because I had a life growing inside me and I never acknowledged it – poor little soul.

I’ve been burying so many things… and I think it’s become my way of dealing with my struggles. It’s sort of like pretending that some of it is not happening. Hopefully 2013 will bring better moments.

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6 thoughts on “Am I OK?

  1. Oh, this is just so heartbreaking. What a terrible bolt out of the blue. And shame on the ER staff for leaving you in the waiting room like that. Seriously, I have sympathy for busy ER, I really do, but to leave a woman miscarrying in the waiting room is just shameful on their part. I hope things improve, even a bit. I’m glad you got through this – amazing strength, even if you were/are a bit paralyzed. That’s not even remotely surprising. I know you’re going to get through and I’m wishing you all the best in picking up the pieces right now and getting back to life. ❤

    • You know, the way I got over the terrible guilt I was feeling was by rethinking the whole thing and realizing that they had actually sent me there, in the waiting room, with all these people. It was the result of one person’s poor judgment. Things would have been very different had she sent me waiting on the other side.
      Thank you for words of kindness. 🙂

  2. Oh my, I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Wow. You know, I am 47 and I NEVER thought about the confusion between “Am I pregnant or is it just the start of menopause?” Good grief, girl. But you are doing a good thing. You are sharing and releasing these burdens and as your release them it is so important you forgive yourself. Write and as you do, pause and hug yourself. Seriously. Hug yourself. Because if you don’t love and support yourself, who will? Keep writing, keep facing things. As I say,,”sit down to tea with them.” for I believe the only way to get over something is for you to own it, accept it and forgive yourself for it. You are human, you are fallible, you will make mistakes, but the beauty in the mistakes comes from the lessons you learn if you are able to take the time to reflect and see those lessons. 2013 is a new year and brings you new opportunities! 🙂

    • You know, I think I was fooled by many things. For one, the hardships of having a sick child who is neglected by the system which I have to fight against on a daily basis and then that thing with someone I loved very much but who for some reason had his own issues (which I didn’t understand myself), and finally my body slowly giving me signs which are normal at 48. I read that it happens that women ignore they are pregnant because of menopause (i’m guessing pre-menopausal) symptoms. I have acknowledged him (the little soul) in a loving way and I feel so much better now. I just wish I could have felt him (he did move – and I remember thinking “that’s odd”), acknowledged him, and perhaps just held him for a few minutes. It’s funny how we’re actually very attached to life – and in all of its ways. It is a good thing. So now, I think of him in a positive way because the other side is really not a good or productive one. Thank you for your support. 🙂

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