The rut

FenceI’m spiraling downwards forever before I get the chance to grab on to a branch to save myself. it seems to be a recurring pattern. What sets me off it seems is one bad news after another which becomes, or at least appears to become, an inevitable an recurring process. 

So I’m at this place where I’m trying to avoid this whole situation that has become my life. Isn’t that sad? This blog was suppose to help me relieve some things to hopefully get me to a better place but I am so hating this whole process of not getting anywhere that I’m now avoiding my own blog.

I’m usually quite resilient and optimistic but am now sitting on the other side of the fence.

I need to get out of this rut before it swallows me!


14 thoughts on “The rut

  1. Keep writing, keep getting it out, use this blog to allow us in and let us continue to be at least a little support for you. Wishing you strength my blogging friend. 🙂

  2. Life&Ink has some sage advice there. We all blog for different reasons like I mentioned over at my house (aka my blog). I like to pretend I never got sick and am still in my career and a full-time grad student and so I write thesis-type posts. Sorry, just trying to add some humor. I was in a very bad rut for 6 yrs when I was a complete shut-in (and still had my vision then!). One day, I lost my housing and ended up in my current place and was around people and things changed. When it happened again when I moved out of here and rented this nasty, little studio, I decided to try PT one more time–and haven’t stopped. The gym helps. So did having sewer dumped on my head in the nasty rental, thus forcing me back here and around people–even if they’re not the best. Find one little thing and see if it gets you unstuck!
    A 🙂

    • Yes, even blogging seems to get me unstuck! I keep telling myself I have to walk Cole – my black German shepherd. I have to make it a point.

      I do think however that my biggest thing is pretending everything is fine when it’s not and maybe that’s I how get like this – so I no longer have to pretend. How do we get like that?

      • My 2 cents is that society wants you that way. They can’t deal with it so you have to conform to make them happy. It’s made me reclusive as it’s too hard to NOT be my authentic self. I had to do this when I was still working part-time and with my family. I got to a point after 12 yrs (especially w/the correct Dx) where I don’t care anymore. If people can’t deal with it, they can just eff off! Lol. It’s easier for me as I can’t work anymore, but it still takes a change of mindset as I kept putting on the smiling face for yrs after…

  3. I am so there with you right now. I get the having to pretend. I end up like that because I have to get up in the morning and go on, and if you don’t pretend sometimes, you will not. Go on that is. For me at least that’s the thing. Sometimes pretending is all that gets me through. Right now, I’m just trying to maintain. I know there will be better times, and I’m hanging on to that.

    • Although I am greatly saddened by what you and A are going through, knowing that there is a common ground for dealing with something so difficult and traumatic – because hey, who would want to have a life hanging by struggles – gives me a stable and somewhat sounder ground to stand on. When things get really tough with Gen – because of the impairement and her sense of despair – I think of you guys and know that we will manage somehow. It’s like having the next breath when I think it’s nowhere. Am I making sense? Thank you both!

      • I thank you both, too! Pre-EDS, I always lived my life for the future–setting higher goals and crossing things off the list. Now, it’s one day at a time or even one hour at a time. Chronic illness changes anything (my own personal fire) and then you have to figure out how to still have any semblance of a life when it’s all said and done. Aside for just being sick and in pain, this is where I am stuck… Super stuck!

      • I think that sometimes there is no choice but to build a life around an illness or condition. I’ve been thinking about that because there seems to be no way out for my daughter nor myself as her sole caregiver. I just have to find a way and I refuse to let “it” rule – I want to rule it.

      • I think you could do it! I am just stuck as I feel too sick (more the pain) to do anything (plus the vision) and aside from a ride or 2, have no help. However, you could figure out something that your daughter could still do–as simple as it may be–and I think that could be a start. Being an A-type, I tried so hard to control this thing and just fell on the floor–hence the counseling. It’s part of the acceptance thing as we can’t ever control the uncontrollable, we have to find some balance that I haven’t been able to figure out yet–or am unwilling to do so. Sigh…

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