Am I OK?

I haven’t posted anything for so long because I am paralyzed by life.

December was a very big month in regard’s to my daughter’s condition. We met with a nutritionist and a physiotherapist. A lot of good came from the physiotherapist but I unfortunately can’t say the same for the nutritionist. To be honest, it was an awful experience but then again it had some positive or constructive aspect to it. I vow to post about it very soon.

On December 30th, I had a surprise miscarriage. It was very odd because I had no clue I was pregnant – and boy, was I ever pregnant. Something like 18.5 weeks. I was sure I was starting my menopause as I had been skipping my period since last July. In August I took a pregnancy test just to be sure and it was negative. I had a full period on August 21st and then spotted for three days around October 27th. I did not feel the symptoms. None of them. When the bleeding started it was awful – and again, I was sure I couldn’t be pregnant. I was obviously in denial. When I showed up at the ER triage, the nurse sent me to the waiting room with a “diaper” until they had room for me in the back. I sat in a wheelchair, in front of everyone, my head down, embarrassed and scared that the bleeding would seep through my clothes.The cramps (contractions) were very powerful and I felt the need to push. Against my daughter’s advice, I went back to the bathroom and again passed a ton of solid material mixed with blood and what not (I will spare you the details). I felt the fetus pass. It was the size of an empty roll of toilet paper – it was attached to its cord which was attached to a piece of placenta. It was soft yet solid. Still, I was in denial and when the nurse came to give me another diaper, I flushed the toilet. I don’t know why I did that. The rest of it included being told I was very pregnant, loosing a tremendous amount of blood, being hospitalized because of it, and ending up in the OR for the rest of it to be removed the following day because I was still hemorrhaging. Two weeks before the holidays, I had left my long-term boyfriend (a relationship going nowhere). In the end, I ended up feeling guilty and sad. It’s a very difficult thing to share because I had a life growing inside me and I never acknowledged it – poor little soul.

I’ve been burying so many things… and I think it’s become my way of dealing with my struggles. It’s sort of like pretending that some of it is not happening. Hopefully 2013 will bring better moments.